blame game

lifehealth

Jan 22

Lets call this

PART III of huge-things-I'm-learning-from-Brene-Brown-in-this-dang-good-book.

While its taking me well over 9 months to read her book, Rising Strong, I am SO SO grateful because its seems that every time I pick the book up to read, whatever shes saying is EXACTLY what I need in that moment. So I'm constantly feeling it out and not feeling guilty for taking my time just to finish it. When I feel I need to sit down and read it, I know its usually because its going to correlate with something I am struggling with/ thinking through. On today's agenda: Blame.

Yes, us humans FAVORITE usually unconscious thing.

"...we use blame as a form of anger used to discharge discomfort or pain."

This section of the book is drenching the last year of my life!!!! Blame has been something I have been SO aware of for a while now, most specifically in my marriage. I began to become so aware of this summer of last year. There was an incident that happened between Ryan and I (that is soooooo dumb and pathetic but gave me HUGE INSIGHT).

One morning I got up and went to our bathroom and the space heater that we have in there and use during showers was on, meaning it had been on ALL NIGHT. If you know me, I LOVE to save energy. Meaning turning lights off when you leave a room, turning the heat down if no one is home, etc. That includes DEFINITELY turning the heater off if you're not in the bathroom/showering!!!! I saw that it was on, being suffocated from the heat-- instantly p i s s e d -- "RYAN! YOU LEFT THE HEATER ON (yes, me blaming him because of course its not MY fault)?!!" Right after the words fell out of my big mouth, I had a flashback to the night before where I was the last one in the bathroom, I was the only one to had showered that night! I remembered I hit the button but then sometimes if you don't click it hard enough it wont turn off, and i felt an instant flush over my body.. a flush that felt like an ice cold bucket of embarrassment pouring down me as I lay in a puddle of blame-vomit (sorry not sorry).
After I yelled this at him, all I could hear was the words hanging in the air along with a deafening silence, and then Ryan, my sweet poor babe saying back to me in defense "IDK! WHO SHOWERED LAST". All I remember after that was feeling incredibly awful because I was THAT wife to her husband. I remember hugging and kissing him and saying "I'M so sorry!!" but at the same time I remember this heightened awareness-- what else did I just throw at him because I needed someone to blame? what other things needed "reasons" and were "Ryan's" fault? Every time I wanted to blame him after that I would stop myself in my tracks and sift through what was actually happening. Would blame really benefit the situation or just supply a "this is why" or "because YOU did THIS.."
I also remember a few months after that situation coming to Ryan and just apologizing, not really for any specific situation, but just a general, "Hey I am genuinely sorry that I gravitate towards this response. I don't know why I do, and I am working so hard on finding out why. In the meantime, bare with me and forgive me pls."

Well last week I think I learned why, thank you Brene.
In Rising Strong on page 196, she talks about why we run to blame to soothe even mild discomfort. She explains that yes, EVEN MILD discomfort because all blame needs to do for us is give us some feeling of relief AND (drum roll please******) CONTROL.

"In fact, for most of us who rely on blaming and finding fault, the need for control is so strong that we'd rather have something be our fault than succumb to the bumper-sticker wisdom of "shit happens." If stuff just happens how can I CONTROL that? Fault-finding fools us into believing that someone is always to blame, hence, controlling the outcome is possible. But blame is as corrosive as it is unproductive."

My sweet little friend, control, how nice of you to have crept into yet ANOTHER part of my daily life.
BUT FOR REAL PEOPLE, isn't this SO good. How hard is this to swallow?! Because for me, its killing me. I hate when I notice I am blaming anyone for anything (usually Ryan!! (i love u babe)) ESPECIALLY now because guess what! It comes down to that one thing that I have spent many years practicing laying down and walking away from. The only "need" to blame someone is for me to feel like I am in control. How is this helping anything? It's a waste of space, a waste of verbal energy; a waste of telling ourselves that it is someone else's problem just for the sake that we can move on from the subject. And along the way, building a wall of bitterness within our hearts towards anyone BUT ourselves! UGH!

So what can we do? We can stop, think, then speak. What are our motives? Why are we pointing a finger? We can observe our hearts, and what we are seeking control of. We have the power to CHOOSE let the things GO that do not serve us. To create that space of honesty and truth in our lives, but also intention, the intention of our words in situations. How am I allowing Ryan to feel love and grace in my presence when I blame him right away? Even if he had been the one to leave the heater on, what if I said "babe, the heater got left on last night, just letting ya know to double check it next time" OH HEAVENS I COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH SWEETER, the worst part is IT WAS ME! (I'm yelling and laughing at myself still to this day).

Create that awareness. Lean into what you feel, and how you react. There's a reason behind every little thing we say and do. Whats your reason? How can you be attentive to it and change it? How long will we let control poison our relationships and in turn, our own hearts?

see, feel, cleanse, change, repeat. take the steps. do the things. become better, more full of love, more full of grace.