6 years going on 11.

This entry was written Nov 8, 2018 and never made it to post.

But I want to remember. Always remember,
to return.
To the body.
And surrender.

Processing processing.

All the time. In all ways.

This post is brought to you by 11 years of process. 6 of those years walking in new found freedom through shifting perspective, lots of honesty and forgiveness. Body talk. Body forgiveness.

As I come here today, I can feel the remnants of years what I have put myself through. The remnants of the warring, the fighting, the processing, the sifting and releasing. I am free, but it still is a conscious choice to hold space for myself to be very human. To have thoughts and process and stages of recovery, even now.

This time of year is always nostalgic, I feel that the greatest revelations in my healing in this have come through the intricacies in the beauty of the changes that the world goes through. The leaves turning shades of color that pass by the day, that catch you off guard, take away your breath and then the leaves begin to be release. And theres beauty in the process.

A few weeks ago I was attending a class after teaching. As I have been processing what about the yoga world is mine and what is not, taking classes that are slower and controlled are difficult for me. I wanna jump and move and shake, so to move through a flow one breath at a time feels painful at times. I was floating down into Triangle pose and all of a sudden my back felt a sharp pinch that landed me on my hands and knees, breathless, tears in my eyes from pain. I tried everything I knew in the moment, pausing, breathing, massaging the area, subtle stretches to elongate the area, and nothing was helping. I ended up in child’s pose. This was 15 minutes into the class.

I began the conversation in my head “just get up, leave the class, go home, take a bath, just get up and leave, ugh why cant my body handle this! I am in shape, just get up and go out” and there was a part of me that said No. Wait. Sit with it. Don’t run from what you feel. Pause, listen in. Why do you want to leave? Can you stay? Just for another few breaths. Just a few more. Its okay, just a couple more.

I stayed the last 45 minutes on my mat, surrendered.

The steps of recovery these days look much like this story. It’s not about how hard I can push myself. It’s not about working my way up to perfecting a pose, or if I don’t stop the movement during the 4 minute core song. It’s not about getting leaner, more toned, more muscle, weigh less.

It’s about intuitive living. Surrendering to each moment with myself and listening to what she needs. Holding my own hand and honoring where I am.

I have a pretty sore body naturally. I move, I get sore. It’s not about the limitation itself, it’s about the opportunity that comes from it. An opportunity to lean in a little closer to what is whole and good, listening in and giving my body what it needs. It changes day by day. I choose, I choose wisely and intentionally.

I hold my own hand.
I choose to be.
If I chose any one thing to be my intention, it would be to simply arrive.

Thats all.

love you
XO