slowing to repair

I can eat well, I can exercise regularly, I can have good dialogue within my head. I can do THE WORKS, but something that I almost always can overlook is my need to feel value within how many hours I put into my work. One of my greatest struggles is to SLOW my roll, step out of the work, and rest in the NOW. Feeling accomplished just being who I am with what I have, and what I have completed thus far. This looks like having an unrealistic, rarely satiated, magic number of hours or tasks that need to be completed in order to feel accomplished. 

I don’t want to slow.
I don’t want to pause.
I feel the need to keep going and to overachieve and to feel like I’m earning everything I have in life.

And then, now.... I am currently knocked down on my ass. I am weak. I am exhausted. And now, now I hear you body. I hear you. I FEEL you. I feel the weight of the way that I process, I feel the weight of the never ending cycle. The game I play in my head is surfacing within my physical body and I cannot go any further.

 I have been struggling with Adrenal Fatigue for about 3 weeks, and its finally making sense to me. Why now? After a year of taking the best care of me *physically*... why now?

and reality set in last night.
ITS YOU! Its you who have done this to YOU. Preaching this message of not finding your value outside of you for months within my classes, within my conversations... throughout my life! 
LISTEN closely, Liv. Listen to the message. Its for you.

I am forced to slow. Never have I ever felt like this. No motivation, laying on the couch, not sad, but heavy. Very heavy. Like a weighted blanket laying on top of me. So I must slow down.
Taking time and intention to begin repairing what’s damaged. Giving myself permission, it’s ok. It’s ok. You will get better. This has felt like an eternity.

But the mindset, I must DO MORE, the pressure (onset by me!!). This is the real work. To surrender. As I mentioned, it’s been the message for a long time.

You are not your achievements. You are not how much work you can do. You are not how many things you can do at once. You can’t do it all alone. Your value is not dependent upon what you accomplish TODAY! I have been preaching this to myself for months and now, physically, this is what I am learning. 
After all this time, giving myself permission to be, and uncover yet another layer, and what I am learning through what I feel-- I have have depleted myself. 

Awareness + honesty are truly our greatest gifts to ourselves and I come to this place today for two reasons.

To apologize to my body, and to create the foundation in which I will move forward. Slapping my heart back on my sleeve, bringing light into the dark, this THIS!!! This is my problem AND my solution.  

I am sorry body, I'm listening.  I am ready to be gentle to you.