observation of observation
Its been so SO SO long since I have been to this space. I realized that the last time I wrote was right at the beginning of my teacher training. I figured my re-entry post would be a compilation of a handful of things that I have realized since “graduating”.
THE OBSERVATION OF OBSERVATION
As many of you know I recently completed an RYT-200 yoga certification. It’s a 3 month process of 200 hours of lecture, practice, reading/homework tasks, and some sort of volunteer work. Walking through the process, you learn that Yoga is the observation of observation. To observe the awareness that you feel in your day, your minute, your second. To dissect and to understand what you’re feeling when you’re feeling it.
There were several moments in the process where to feel became exhausting and almost painful. I remember a handful of breakdowns to Ryan where I would just be crying and all I muster to say was “I am so tired of feeling”. I have always known myself as someone who feels things deeper than normal, that things that mean anything mean everything to my heart. While I have always at the end of the day appreciated that, this process created even MORE of an awareness of myself, of other people, of words, body language, reactions—literally all the things. It was interesting to notice, see and feel my reactions to things that people would say or the things that I would tell myself.
In addition to the deeper awareness, this was the first time in two years that I was in “school”, learning something new, gaining more skills, and having not done that for years, I was out of my element immediately. I didn’t know how to adapt to a new schedule and routine. How to find comfort in sacrificing all my free time that I’ve had for so long, obligating and being so faithful to the reading (if you know me, you know this is hard! Reading lol), the extensive number of classes needed to be completed, etc. What does my life look like being married and in “school”?? It definitely took time to get used to, but once we found that new schedule, things moved and flowed perfectly. I was busy, and it felt so good to have my “things”. The things that I needed to do in a week to fulfill my commitment. It felt so good to be a part of something for the first time in forever.
Something I realized in the last few days is that I stopped taking selfies during my training. That might sound pathetic but I thought it was so interesting. It was something that happened completely organically. Not that I used to take TONS of selfies, but to have not taken any during my program, I feel it really shows the process being hyper internal. I was just always focused on what I was thinking and experiencing and just working through in my head and heart.
Another thing that was interesting was that I went more days without wearing makeup that I went wearing it. This is HUGE. I have always felt more myself with a little charcoal grey eyeliner, smudged with dark brown eyeshadow and some mascara. But the less I wore makeup, the more I felt like me. The days I would put it on, I couldn’t wait to take it off. For the longest time before this season I would do my makeup everyday even if I was sitting at home.
Confidence. This was the biggest part for me that I had a revelation about in the last few weeks. I was struggling heavily with finding my place as a teacher, what is my voice? What is my intention? I kept questioning myself, do I have what it takes to do this? Can I be really good at this, can this be mine? Can I create, inspire, feel? And it was a few days before my final and one of my sweet friends said, “why would you feel you can’t do it? People are coming to your class to learn, to take what you have to offer them, you’re not there to preform, you’re not getting on a stage and putting on a show, you’re leading them.” This was the golden ticket for me. After that I felt a lot of things come full circle from my training. A lot of things that I questioned and doubted dissolved. I could calm my nerves for my final class, and just show up. Just like what we do when we come to our mat, we bring who we are and what we have to offer. And that’s all. Every time you show up you are different, and you always have something different to give. No two practices are the same. Give what you have to give and embrace what you need to take.
This process has been one of the most transformative in my whole life. It was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. Not a challenge that happened in life and I walked away confused or and didn’t understand the purpose of. But a challenge where I was able to fight for myself and walk away so changed and SO incredibly proud of what I had accomplished, more than ever before. This was a season of hot and cold, so much hard growth and so much freedom was curated. On Christmas when my Grandpa saw me, he thought Ryan had brought someone else to dinner, He didn’t even recognize me. He kept asking me how I had changed, why did I look different? While it was comical, I thought it was very interesting—because I had been feeling that. I hadn’t seen him since the week before my program started. I have become different. I am more whole. I have fought for my heart in the last few months. I have felt let down, and I have felt great victory. I have become more myself than ever. I am so grateful for such a wild + beautiful adventure. I am so eager to see what’s next, to feel the feelings and to keep evolving into the person I’ve been created to be. She’s worth the journey.
“chaos always precedes real change”
