I finally see myself.
written early september 2021
My weekly mental health day was established in lieu of Covid lock down. While we were closed as a business, and I was navigating WFH 24/7, it was quickly apparent I needed outlined days off. Time carved out to force myself to do nothing. Doing nothing might make me feel less overwhelmed, right? More nourished and less burnt out. That’s what I thought. It’s difficult though. This mental health day.
I have been a workaholic since I was a baby it seems. Someone recently asked me what was the imaginary game I would play the most as a kid, it was either entrepreneur/worker (playing store, owning a restaurant/playing “office”/bank teller— you name it I was a worker lol) OR I was a homemaker/Mom. My childhood bff, Erika, and I would reenact the birth scene from Where The Heart Is when Natalie Portman has her baby in Walmart.
I was good at these “games”— I was ALL in. In fact, I just recently threw away the “seating charts” I had created for my imaginary cafe when I was 8. It’s funny to think back and see that now that this is my life. Full time worker girl, full time mama/homemaker. As I write this— im actually tearing up thinking, I am living my dream. I am living the things I wanted most when I was a baby. Chills.
The repercussions though— of all this, in combo with my ennea 3-ness, my resistance but my aching desire to be present, adrenal fatigue from three years ago that likely never actually healed itself, my recent manifestations, etc. It’s heavy on me. It’s A LOT. When I arrive to “mental health day”, which I created in order to take good care of my psyche, I usually get to this day and I think HOW WHAT DO I DO. (yes you read that right). I spend the first 80% of the day wondering how the — excuse me— fck do I do this RIGHT and the last 20% like ope hi there I am, I think i’m doing it right. I don’t know another word for it except exhausting. Like a total waste of time. And it seems I forget!!! Every MHD, I forget that this is how it goes, so that first 80 I am fretting, I am fighting myself, I am angry and annoyed and looking to my partner to grant me the permission I think might help me crossover. And whatever it is, maybe waiving the white flag to myself, at that last 20— I surrender. I find it.
I am tired of all the processing, the messages that I give in classes — my own wisdom or desires I want for myself (mostly focusing and preaching PRESENCE!!!!!) Like NO. It’s not that easy. I am trying to practice the THINGS and it’s ruining it all. I don’t know how to get where I want to be. Then I just read this from my very last blog I wrote on here April 2021.
MAYBE IN THE UNKNOWN, THE UPROOTING, THE MYSTERY OF WHAT’S TO COME, MAYBE THAT’S WHERE WE COME ALIVE. WHERE WE REMEMBER THE FRAGILITY OF TIME AND OF PRESENCE
There it is again, The Presence word. Still annoying, still aching to get there. I think I have some things to practice to get me there. Rather than it being something I try to just practice— it needs to be something I CULTIVATE. I need to know how I get there. Or at least a list of “fall back” places to lean into. I am exhausted trying to BE present, and I am ready to create presence. I think my resistance to the MHD comes from feeling like I need to do the opposite of what I normally do because what I normally do does not bring me into presence.
I need to cultivate IT. It’s like this— what are the things that bring me IN and what are the things that take me OUT. I can tell you 3 on both ends :
OUT :
feeling the pressure to WORK and get something DONE ASAP
feeling the pressure to create for myself (!!!!! yeah i know)
feeling the pressure to GET something in order to make me present. (“if I go get a juice, then Ill be better. If I go get some things to make my house my sanctuary more enjoyable, then I will be present etc etc.)
IN :
NO SOCIAL MEDIA (truly feel so nourished when I stay away)
Slow entry to the day— (no phone obvi) quiet time to see myself and have coffee or do the sauna. Easing IN.
Permission to be ALONE. Maybe someone I love says “go out and do something for yourself, we will be okay here”.
Pillars. Reminders? Staples. the GO list!?! I don’t know but I am here— today. Something has got to change. My MHD is sabotaging me!!!! Or maybe I am sabotaging me. Maybe it’s a new frame of mind. I literally don’t know, It is rare that I cannot come up with the next *** best **** plan all on my own. To find fulfillment in the time and space created for me to do so. Taking my own medicine ^^^^ the FRAGILITY of time. TIME! Time. I grieve time lately. Every since I had Yael, I truly feel grief around time. Like there is not enough and I am, not making the most of it all. I want to so badly.
xo
