perspective

While I was standing in Kroger tonight for my after-work-need-bananas-and-wine stop, i was deeply contemplating a nail polish purchase. 
This was my conversation in my head:

"no one answered their phones tonight, i have no community, im just going to go home and im going to have my wine, and paint my nails, do my things, because i am sad. my husband is away, and i have to deal, and i am lonely. i am lonely. i have no friends. i have no one."

And as I was running around with all these thoughts, I stopped dead in my tracks and was like WHY. NO. No to ALL these "things"!!! 

I have been reading an INCREDIBLE (literally incredible) book by one of my favourite people right now, Rising Strong by Brene Brown. Something thick in the section of the book I am at is about "owning your story". A practice that she leads her team in is beginning an explanation, or a situation where you are blaming someone with "the story I am making up is...". To admit right off the bat that "Hey, this is how I perceived the situation" or "this is what i told myself from what happened". THIS IS A GAME CHANGER PEOPLE. 

While I could not decide if I wanted nude or red, and I couldn't remember what shades I already had at home, and I was getting so mad about it BECAUSE of the conversation in my head, this is what stopped me. 

And then the conversation became, "the story I'm telling myself is that "no one answered their phones tonight, i have no community, im just going to go home and im going to have my wine, and paint my nails, do my things, because i am sad. my husband is away, and i have to deal, and i am lonely. i am lonely. i have no friends. i have no one.'"

This happened yesterday too. Ryan's been on a moto trip since Friday (yesterday was Sunday), and before he left he said " I will make sure I text you and call you". He knows I appreciate it, just check in with me, we also have been so apart the last three weeks, it would just be nice for updates! So yesterday I was getting really mad, I had called him the previous day, texted him and so on, with no reply. Except one that said "we made it,". I was getting so irritated! he knows I like check ins, I had obviously been trying to get a hold of him, so I woke up yesterday with bitterness... here's the conversation-- 

"he always says he'll check in, he never does. i worry so much about him, and he doesnt care that i do, and that i want to make sure hes alive." and on and on and on my mind went. 

He texted me today, giving me an update, telling me that the house they are staying at right now has terrible service, he was texting me from another town, and telling me he missed me as so on. 

I immediately apologized. "Sorry I have been mad at you over here for the last 24 hours! The story I had made up was that "you always say you'll check in, you never do. i worry so much about you, and you just dont care that i do, and that i want to make sure youre alive."" 

Own your story, if you're wrong, admit it. Ask for forgiveness. More times then not, WE are guilty. AND! assuming! We are SO quick to blame, we desperately want things to be anyone else's fault. I wasn't feeling any intense feelings and emotions for these situations until my thoughts ran wild, and I put myself in a hole. A lonely, sad + angry hole. 

Stop, breathe, and process before you speak. Before you place the guilt and the blame on someone else. OWN your part. Own your story. And then, ask for forgiveness. That's something I am learning, asking for forgiveness and simply saying sorry are two totally different things. Sorry is just a way to patch something and an actually exchange of forgiveness is where true healing happens. 

i love u community. i am grateful for you. thank you for allowing me to be vulnerable tonight, i missed you. 

“I now see how owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do.”

"When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending."

-Brene Brown