2020 Year in Review
Hi, welcome. It’s been 9+ months since I have come here.
I have been wanting to return to this place for quite some time. Trying to figure out how to get going is the hardest part. What to talk about shortly following.
I had big plans to give this special place a LOT of attention in 2020 and I am coming to realize that living in a state of fight or flight, not feeling the natural and somewhat normal rhythm of life kept me paralyzed in certain ways— especially independently creatively. Much of my creative energy was poured into my job as we pivoted over and over again. In hindsight it was beautiful and I am so grateful. It’s also hard to come here and pour out my heart processing when that is exactly what I am doing when teaching my classes through the week. I teach, I process through, I find clarity, I see what life is holding for me moment to moment, and then it begins again.
So I am here. Ready to return.
I want to start again by sharing a practice I did on New Year’s Day this year.
What began as my “job”, having to create and plan new classes day after day, turned into a new life of feeling, seeing, honoring, dismantling, rebuilding— some might call it “The Work”. Yes this can be an annoying trendy word but if you’re really in it and really doing it, you get it and you can’t turn it off. Its liberating, deconstructing, healing, magic. The beautiful thing about being in the work and having to consciously know myself, how I am every minute of every day, it keeps me awake. It keeps me refining. Not the pressure to be/DO better, but a holding of my own hand as I return to the places that I am fully me, restored to who I was created to be.
I took some time NYD to sit and go through all my notebooks from 2020 and to write out and reflect on the themes that were surfacing in each month. Class plan after class plan I was beginning to see trends of themes I was processing and it was a beautiful way to look back, observe myself, tap into authentic gratitude for all that my family and I endured in 2020. I don’t want to forget the victory of coming out of that wild year. I don’t want to minimize the stress and the trauma of navigating what we did.
Today, I share with you some of the things I don’t want to forget that were real to me. Moments, quotes, and lessons.
January:
So many people were saying “its 2020— the year of CLARITY!”. Clairity was our word for the year. The Space took a retreat to Mexico, my first retreat I was able to go on as well as teach at (woot!!), and I left my baby at home for 5 days with Ryan. She was 6 months old. I started to see myself after almost a year and a half through all things baby. It was like the first time I was alone. I was invited back to me.
February:
Presence is the most important part of everything. Maybe we aren’t learning anything, maybe we are just remembering who we’ve always been. Like new information is just tapping back in. Focus on just one thing and let that be enough— I was caught in a constant chase of balance in this time. I wanted to savor life with a newborn-ish but I was dabbling in getting back to me. Kept having glimpses of myself, learning to take time and not feel guilt!!
March:
I’ll never forget March 11. Kelli taught a class on a new term, “social distancing”. And how we live in a world teaching us to disconnect, so let’s stay connected. It was the first time I had ever heard the phrase. March 13, our state shutdown. Being home all a sudden, I started to lean into all sorts of cleaning house rituals. Decluttering, deep cleaning, new modalities of clean cleaning lol, you know. We thought the shut down was going to be 2 weeks long. “If you’re brave enough to destruct yourself, you’re brave enough to begin again.” - Vinati
April:
I started reading Glennon Doyles Untamed and was wrecked in the most beautiful way, cracked open, known, seen. Ryan and I had been home several weeks together and were struggling big time with our needs not being met by each other, trying to work through big communication issues. Our former schedules kept us busy and fine. Then we were home and trying to both work from home and care for our babe. We were not seeing our families, or friends, and were seeking it ALL from eachother. It was challenging (I’m sure you might relate!). Easter. Resurrection sunday. I cut all my hair off myself lol. I was honoring my process, feeling steady, and purpose being home. Repeating “everything is preparing you for where you’re going”.
May:
Big waves of body image surfacing. I wasn’t moving physically as much as I was used to, I was feeling heavy internally. Big things in our world were festering with Racial injustice as the world witnessed the murder of George Floyd on a phone camera broadcasted through our nation. Big waves in social media, politics, me against you. I was challenged to not take a knee-jerk reaction, but to stay processing and lean into educating myself and my family. I did a lot of deconstructing this month, how I was raised, what I grew up thinking about different races, how I was stuck in my programming and dismissing subtleties— not forming my own views and opinions. Reflecting, analyzing, invited to not stay quiet, but to get educated. The Space teachers had session via zoom with the incredible Tanya Markul. The session was pivotal in a lot of areas, but a few things she said that stuck out big : “You are stronger than you think. You are braver than you feel. Wake up in the morning and before your feet hit the floor, remind yourself who you ARE not what you DO”.
June:
Still navigating through Untamed and being cracked open even more. The Ache was a big theme this month (The Ache : in short… The difference between I want to leave because this ends vs STAY because this ends). Still locked in our houses in shutdown. Grocery shopping, taking out all the groceries before they come into the house and washing/sanitize them. Felt like insanity. Still unpacking a lot of my unknown beliefs around racism. Riots, marches, protests. Rebirth was a big theme. Personally and within the Studio. We were trying to reopen as we were still closed with no idea how much longer. Reminding myself slow + steady. Practicing no knee-jerk reactions. Hard when the world felt so divided. So polarized and politicized. Leaned into treating the illness not the symptoms. Getting to the root of the issues. Understanding the WHY behind belief and actions.
July:
After several “heavy” months, this month brought life and joy in the midst of the hard year. My baby turned 1 and it felt like a month long celebration. We hosted a backyard birthday party. I taught a class about all the things she’s taught me in this life so far. I cried, she crawled onto the camera (it was virtual!!). It was beautiful and refreshing to celebrate and feel joy. Stop expecting you from other people. Remember all that has contributed to who you are TODAY. This month felt like reconnection.
August:
I taught an outdoor class and it was the first time I had seen my community in months. It was about how hard it’s been to adapt and stay the course— but that’s what our entire lives have always been about and it just felt more intimidating this time because we had never faced a pandemic before. All we can do is lean into the fullness of NOW, get clear on what is real in this moment because its all we have. Presence. You are brave, but we forget sometimes. The Space reopened this month and it was magical. Never taking community for granted again.
September:
Back to some sort of routine. After 6 months in limbo, we stepped back in and it felt like years had gone by. The Space turned 3 years old. No glory except straight through your story was a big theme this month, courtesy of Glennon Doyle. Returning to our baseline, we were rebuilding.
October:
All things politics/election surfacing this month. Leaning into Ignorance IS NOT bliss. To think closing our eyes is the safest choice is to give up your power. We repeat what we don’t repair. I learned I have a bulging disc in my low back. It has been there pre-baby and was irritated by labor and I finally said enough is enough and I began to treat my back and politics the same. Look at it. Understand it. THEN you can do your part. Knowledge is power.
November:
“Your truth will bring out the worst in others.” - Tanya Markul. BE willing to be misunderstood. Reclaiming sensitivity. Seeing sensitivity in Yael and realizing I suppressed that part of myself long ago. Of course— the month of gratitude. The studio closed again min-Nov for a “3 week pause”. Our hearts were sad but we also felt like maybe it could be a nice break. Receiving the gift of time, it’s what we were telling ourselves anyway lol.
December:
Participate in your process. I was feeling stuffy early December. Out of my routine again, lodged, ready for something bigger. I had been processing how to ask for more in life. But also processing how to believe I am already worthy of more too (forever the lesson I return to). A month of hard conversations. Leveling up. Putting in new work to get the ball rolling on a few things personally and professionally. We bought a investment property. “We relive until we set free” “Hardship is not punishment” - Sarah Blondin. Ryan and I started an Enneagram training with our friend Jill. I stepped away from instagram for a little bit. Christmas with Yael felt like magic, she was so engaged with it this year. December was and inviting challenge and reallllly good for me.
If you’re still here— you made it lol. I never want to forget the journey that was 2020. The highs and the lows. The hard conversations. The pivoting, again and again and again. I don’t want to forget the quotes that carried me through, the resources that I fell back on, the conversations I had that held tears, love, and realness, and how they moved me into the next layer of life. Before sitting down and going through each page of my journals, 2020 had already felt like a blur. After sifting through it, I was reminded. Wow. What a year. What a life. The year I asked for clarity, to understand, to see, to know. I think I got it. It is interesting to see how it played out and gave me the very thing I was seeking. This is SO cheesy but I cannot help but think,
Hindsight is 2020.
Can you do this practice? It is still the new year. go back through your records. Journals, instagram, facebook posts, text messages, notes on your phone, camera roll, jot down a few notes on each month and let yourself remember
how brave you have been, how wise you have become, how far you have traveled.
Reflection is our greatest tool.
love you.
