2021 - soul

After much reflection and contemplation on the tone for my 2021 year, I have finally come to the conclusion what my WORD is.

Words are way easier to integrate than a NY’s resolution list of a bunch of things that will never become my things if I am forcing. Words are nice because it invites ESSENCE. Like a base, or lens that all gets filtered through. It’s more palpable.

My 2021 essence : soul

I wanna tell you the unfolding.

I was feeling really drawn to step away from Instagram in December. To take a little break, with light restrictions of maybe I will just sign out. I just won’t look. I don’t need to delete the app, I mean I can’t really— its a big part of my job lol but! What I find is restriction leads to obsession. For me anyway. Ya know the feeling of YOU AREN’T ALLOWED and it’s the one thing you wanna do so bad? That’s it.

On Christmas Eve, I taught a class about leaning into wonder + awe as you walked through the holidays. I referenced Richard Rohrs The Naked Now, when he talks about 3rd eye seeing. Seeing in a way that you can feel and taste and experience what is real here and now. To see as the mystics see. To embody your experience.

I was noticing that while I was away I could SEE more parts of my present moment. Embodying life a little more.

This month has been SO foundational learning about how as an enneagram 3, my orientation of time is the future and one of my forever missions (i mean nothing is forever but it feels like it already lol) is to GET PRESENT. To learn to BE. Stop DOING, stop calculating. Stop pre-exisiting. I was noticing time away from the constant input of information, unconscious comparison, lusting after products and clothes and styles, trying to create an image, a feeling through ting squares, I actually felt like I could see parts of myself I hadn’t in a while. And no, it wasn’t like Im going to sign out, whoop bye. But it was like, I am signing out, 2 min later, I wanna check in. No. Stop. The 2 min turned into hours, hours turned into days. It was a breaking up. Not cold turkey, but a constant choice. I was running there for so many things.

I learned about this orientation to time just recently. It’s been very eye opening as its something I always struggled with but did not know its part of my make up. It’s given me a lot of grace and compassion for myself as I have spent so much time feeling guilty or shameful that I had to work so hard to be here now. I am getting better since having Yael, but its still a choice. Every time.

SO! Practicing presence. Started to look like filling the gap of time I was scrolling with sitting. With myself. Looking around. Observing. Staying a little longer in the place I was actually existing. In the Moment.

I recently read a quote by Lisa Olivera,

“You might not need another self-help book, attend another training, or bookmark another instagram post as much as you need to listen to, trust, and practice what you already know.”

It felt like an easy invite. Like stop intaking and start SEEING what already lives within you. See what you have learned so far, and start to APPLY. Start to practice! OOOFF! It’s hitting me all over again. I have always been a seeker. Wanting more, needing more, because I did not think I was smart. What ever the definition of that is or was, I don’t fully know what defined that for me. One of the biggest blessings motherhood has gifted me is a trust in my own knowing. It’s like they always say, Mama knows best. Like I DO. I trust that I am wise enough. I am weathered enough. I have my own innate WISDOM. I can make the best choice. But I forget. And then I google. Looking for a second opinion.

Pause. It’s there. In me. In you.

Ryan and I had some time together to go for a hike without our baby a few days later. We were hiking and came across a hill that had a teepee made out of sticks at the top. Ryan joked, “lets go in the teepee and kiss” lol I laughed, but I was committed to exploring and I even had the thought I am going to climb in there and I wouldn’t have if he didnt bring it to my attention. We hiked up, had our pup George with us, climbed in and just sat to listen to the quiet of the snow. All a sudden a rumble in the ground, literally right in front of the teepee three deer, two does and a huge buck, chased after each other. Within inches of us. We sat there blinking our eyes like WOAH WAS THAT REAL

We watched the new Disney movie, Soul, later that day. I am sure you have heard, but it was SO GOOD. I won’t get into all the details, but one of the most beautiful parts of the movie to me, was a moment when an unborn soul decides that she wants to exist because she sees small moments of magic in life. She watches a maple seed helicopter fall from a tree as slow piano music plays and it dances through the air. It was simple, it was profound, it was something that if you are not looking, and allowing yourself to see, you miss the magic. The beauty in something so raw, and small.

It took me back to the teepee. Existing a little longer, we witnessed magic that day. We saw something powerful and incredible without asking for it. It came to us. Right in front of us. Simply because we paused, we watched, we listened, we met the moment.

A couple days later I was reading through the next section of Sarah Blondins Heart Minded (if you haven’t, READ IT! Take it in doses, its good and potent). Oddly enough, the new chapter I was beginning when I opened it was titled Soul-itude. She was talking about getting still to listen and reconnect with your soul. Like WHAT, I CAN HEAR YOU!!!! To practice silence to to practice your souls well being.

I can’t make this stuff up.

I am ready. To lean into RADICAL living, practicing, SEEING, savoring REAL freakin life!!!!! 2020 showed us the realness that nothing is guaranteed, and presence is our choice. To stay in the journey, adapt, redefine and begin again. Its the work of our hearts, it’s the work of our minds, and it’s the work of our Souls.

I am ready. To continue to tap back in to my very essence, magic, and seeing.